Ghoul Food

Why, oh why, did hallowe'en have to fall during an especially stressful time? Why? Why? Why? I can resist the lure of mini candy bars. Oh yes, you Butterfinger bar, you devil you. I see you beckoning to me. I can taste your crunchy orange center and almost feel it sticking to my teeth.

Baby Ruth? You're not a baby. Babies are innocent. You're the devil with your gooey peanut center wrapped in chocolate.

Snickers? Ha ha! I snicker in the face of your attempts to woo me.

But Tootsie Roll? Tootsie, you're my weakness. I can't resist your pull. I can sniff you out no matter how well hidden you are.

Damn you Tootsie Roll...daaaammmmnnn you *melodramatic fist-shaking, shirt-rending, hair-pulling, ground-pounding tantrum ensues).

Sweet 16

I bought new jeans. Big deal, right? Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it is a big deal. Hmmm. On second thought, it's a not-so-big deal. Why? Because this time last year I was wearing a size 24 and the jeans I bought are size 16's!! Whaaaaaahooooooo!!!!

Just to be sure it wasn't a fluke I took a trip and made the rounds of a few more stores, trying on more jeans, all size 16's. After all, maybe it was just the Ralph Lauren jeans I found for a steal at TJ Maxx that fit me. So, I tried on Lees. And Chaps. And Lane Bryant. All-in-all, about six different brands. THEY ALL FIT!!!

Aaaahhhh, results. Gotta love 'em!

My body is a onederland!!!

Okay, well maybe it's still more of a marshmallow mountain, but *drumroll please* I am now under 200 lbs. for the first time in a kajillion years! There are just no words to describe the sense of victory that overtook me the morning I stepped on the scales and saw the 2 replaced by that 1.

So, here I am, updating my blog for the first time in months. What took me so long, huh? Well, first it was discouragement. Then it was, well, discouragement. Sending both of my sons to Iraq derailed me emotionally. Here's a newsflash: just because a person seems to be handling things well on the outside, doesn't necessarily mean that they're feeling all that calm, cool, and collected on the inside. Plus, there was a wedding to tend to, my youngest grandbaby to spend as much time as possible with, and a new addition to the family in the form of a 4.8 lb. maltese puppy. Oh, and speaking of additions to the family, we were given the happy news that our oldest son and his sweet new wife are expecting their first child. That will be grandbaby #11 for us. Talk about blessed!

Without sounding pop psych-ish, the past few months have also been a time of learning and realization. One big realization for me was that I needed to let some dreams die. There are things I can't change, people whose decisions I can't override. I'm learning to let go of those hopes, those fantasies of what should be, of what I'd like things to be. Now I'm challenged to refocus those hopes and dreams and I'm succeeding.

Taking control of my weight was a big step for me in taking control of my life overall. Corny, I know. Again, pop psych-ish. But very, very true nonetheless. When I took control of my weight I also took control of my physical health, and when I feel better physically I feel better emotionally as well.

Sheesh. Now, I've got Elton John playing piano in my brain, singing "Circle of Life". Stop the insanity!

Until next time...

Well, spit...

Because I was still experiencing discomfort and vomiting, my surgeon's office set me up for an upper GI, which was performed this morning and showed a gastric ulcer. The result is that when I saw him this afternoon in his office he removed all the fluid from my band and has scheduled me for an EGD Friday morning. That test will give him a clearer image of the ulcer and he'll also be able to take biopsies and hopefully determine the cause. I've been on an NSAID for my knees for several years, and that's probably the culprit, although I had ulcers on two separate occasions in the past, long before I'd started NSAIDS and without any risk factors for developing ulcers.

So now I'm feeling more than a little discouraged. It will probably be 12 weeks before I'm cleared and will be able to continue use of my LAP-BAND. That's a long time for someone who has to fight for every pound she loses.

Oh well, we'll see what happens.

Backwards and forwards

I was so excited after my first fill. Losing about a half pound per day was awesome...and then I started having some problems. No, food wasn't getting stuck or anything like that, but I was experiencing epigastric discomfort that just kept getting worse and worse. By Thursday I was afraid to eat anything and by Friday I was starting to throw up. Now, everyone with a LB knows that you are not supposed to do that...ever. Finally, 10 days after the fill, the surgeon had to remove much of the saline he'd injected. That was followed by two days on a liquid diet and a gradual return to a regular foods. The upside is that the discomfort has subsided and only returns to haunt me when my stomach is empty - about 2 hours after a meal. The downside is that I've gained back about 3-4 of the pounds I'd lost.

As that saline was being pulled from my band I felt like I was taking a giant step backwards, but it had to be done. Now I'm hoping that by stepping back and giving any inflammation and irritation time to resolve, I'll be able to move forward again, albeit at a slower pace. That first fill of 1.4 cc was obviously too much; from now on we'll be "sticking" with (har! get it?) smaller amounts and seeing how it goes. I have another appointment with my surgeon next Monday. That gives me five days to see how my body reacts to it this time before we leave to spend a week out of town.

Now, here's a forward step that helps ease the frustration of the step back I had to take: I got a new outfit today...IN A SIZE 20!!!! That, friends, is a two-size difference from two months ago!

Like I've said before, this LB is a learning process. Things I read about and was told about have a whole new aura about them when you're actually living them.

See you next time...same bat time, same bat channel.

*Note to Self*

For the time being, remember to avoid:

1. Pills larger than a baby aspirin
2. Red meat, period. Even deli-sliced roast beef is verboten, at least for now.
3. Turkey bacon

Working at the relationship

It finally occurred to me that having this LAP-BAND is a lot like any other relationship. I'm learning about my band, learning how to live with it and adapt my life to work in unison with it. I'm learning its quirks and how it isn't always in the same mood at the same time every single day. It has its ups and downs, its good qualities and bad. But thank goodness the good outweighs the bad and everything I put into this relationship comes back to me multiplied. My body is developing a whole new language, starting to work in concert with the band. There are things I love to eat, things that are healthy choices, like apples (even peeled and sliced) and turkey bacon, that my band can't tolerate and so are banned from my life, at least for the time being. The next time I need an antibiotic it will either need to be a very small one or in liquid form, because my band doesn't do well with capsules.

It's a give and take, a balancing act and a lesson in compromise. We won't always get along or agree with each other's choices, but we'll work at it together until we can come to a mutual understanding.

Today's weight: 211.6 lbs.